Humility

One of the things that has been a positive about Jessica's diagnosis is the fact that I would like to think it has made me a better family doc. I have never lacked empathy, but at times I have lacked patience. I would be lying if I said there weren't times when I have been frustrated by my patient's "non-compliance." I hate that word..."non-compliance." What does that mean anyhow? Life is complicated and busy. People are humans incapable of perfection. And, taking care of one's health is HARD! The nice thing about Jessica's diabetes (and I can finally see so many nice, good things) is that it keeps me humble. Case in point: Last night the hubby checked Jess before we went to bed. 122. Exercised all day. Dexcom currently broken and awaiting a new. Kid doesn't wake when she's low (the most terrifying thing as a parent.) So, Sean gives her a snack. I fall asleep and don't wake until 3 am. What I didn't know is that Sean had checked her at 11 pm and she was 300 and he had bolused her. I check her. 340. Wow, that must have been some snack. I bolus her and go back to bed (I was only ever half a wake anyhow!) The ping has a remote which I love. But, we discovered its flaw last night! Jess wakes at 6:30 am as she has to "pee really bad." I check her again and she is still 340. That's weird I think...better check ketones and her site. LARGE ketones. Holy shit! The kid never has ketones...she didn't even had ketones at diagnosis. Once with a kinked site she had small ketones...but LARGE? I unzip her one piece pajamas to check her site, and pull it in preparation of inserting another. Jess realizes before I do..."my pump isn't on. Oh no---I forgot to put my pump back on after my shower." Apparently the pump was in range of the remote so we were bolusing the bathroom sink all night. The blame starts. In my head...I am blaming myself. I suck. I am a terrible mom. In my head I blame Sean...if she was 300 why didn't he wake me to tell me so I would have known the history to the 340? But, before I can even voice any of this, there is my nine year old daughter out loud blaming herself. "How could I do this?" she says. "I'm so stupid...I can't believe I did this." Whoa...stop.... I tell Jessica (and myself in my head, and my hubby who I am sure has been having the same self blame thoughts)....if we are to blame anyone...blame diabetes. If we are to be mad at anyone, be mad at diabetes. "Normal" people don't have to remember to "plug" back in after showers. It is diabetes's fault she must now remember. We are human. We are not computers. We make mistakes. She has had the pump over a year and this has not happened before. It was a multi-system breakdown, but we are each but a human. I guess we were "non-compliant" last night. But, life is messy. Life is busy. And, we are not perfect. My patients' have messy, busy lives too. I'll once again remember that when they are "non-compliant." And, Jess is fine. The ketones cleared within a couple of hours and she returned to her messy, busy, non-perfect life.