Someday, I hope I can look back and feel I did my best and that it was good enough. So much of my emotional well being is tied up in Jessica's blood sugars. I stay sane by getting so much support from the other parents of CWDs I know- both in person and online. I know I am not alone, even though it often feels like I am. I know all of us temporary pancreases judge ourselves at times by the numbers. Jess's last visit I was on cloud nine- best HgbA1c we've had in months. And then bang. Just like that the numbers went crazy the very next day. There was no rhyme or reason. Someday, I hope I learn that its not my fault or my failure that causes this craziness in her numbers. Everything is still so fresh and new that I still have this crazy idea I can control this disease. I am slowly learning sometimes the numbers have a mind of their own.
Someday, I hope I can look back at Jessica's early childhood and not wonder if I did something wrong. Should I not have let her drink so much of the chocolate milk she loved? Should I have found options so that she wasn't in daycare? Should I have breastfed longer? Would any of it made any difference?
Someday, I hope I can stop the occasional thought of Courtney getting T1 from entering my mind. It enters less now than when Jess was first diagnosed. But, yet every so often when I am least expecting it, the thought arrives.
Someday, I hope I can learn to live in the moment and not fear the future so much. I hope I can learn to trust that Jessica will turn out to be the emotionally and physically healthy adult that I am trying so hard to raise.
Someday, I hope I can stop waiting for those in my life that just don't get it to suddenly understand.
Someday, I hope I hear that a cure has been found.
Someday, I hope I can look back at pictures before Jessica was diagnosed and not wonder..."did she have it then?"
Someday, I hope I can be as happy as I was before she was diagnosed.
Someday, I hope I can have a break...just a short break...from the 24/7 I have been living since Jess was diagnosed. Yet, somehow I know when that break comes it may not truly be a break. How can I forget Jess must always live with this? How can I truly trust that another temporary pancreas will be as diligent as I am.
Someday, I hope I can not feel a knife through my heart when Jessica says "I hate diabetes." I realize this is just her way of coping, and I'm glad she can express it. I hate diabetes too, but to hear her say it causes me such pain. Someday, I hope I learn to just let it bounce off me.
Someday, I hope I have the time to get as involved in the JDRF advocacy avenues as I want to.
Today, I am so thankful to have two beautiful daughters, who for some reason see through all of my faults, and still look at me with stars in their eyes.
Today, I am so thankful to have the most wonderful husband in the world. He provides endless support and comfort to me. This month marks the 22nd year he has been living with Type 1. He has weathered it so admirably, and serves as such an amazing role model for my daughter.
Today, I am so thankful to have the most amazing friends I could ever imagine.
Today, I am so thankful to have a mother who has learned all she can about counting carbs. A mother that although she herself is deadly scared of needles, has learned to check my daughter's blood sugar. A mother that has been an endless source of support to me since my daughter's diagnosis. A mother that says "I know honey...I know," and really does.
Today, I am thankful to have a dad I can always count on. A dad that has come with no notice to watch my sick children, even if it meant canceling his own important work functions. A dad that has never once made me feel guilty about his helping, but instead has told me "I consider it an opportunity." A dad that has approached things in such a unique way with my CWD...teaching her to look at the scientific side of getting a pump and making it seem so fascinating to her little mind. A dad that makes sure that if my husband can't come with me to my daughter's diabetes appointments, he is there so I am not alone.
Today, I am thankful for Courtney, my T1 daughter's twin sister. I am thankful that she allows Jess to just be Jess. She doesn't see her as a diabetic or different, but as a best friend and playmate. She takes care of her when she needs it. She looks out for her when I can't be there. But, most importantly she allows her to just escape. Escape to the land of make believe where diabetes can not enter. I am thankful for the grace with which she has handled the relative lack of attention she has received since Jessica's diagnosis. She is an amazing human being and I am so incredibly proud of her.
Today, I am thankful for Jessica's diabetes care provider. She is such a source of knowledge, support, and advocacy. She has truly made such a difference in all of our lives.
Today, I am thankful for how far I have come. It has been one year and seven months since that dark day. I have survived. I have grown. I have learned so much. I have found joy. I have comforted others. I have become a better doctor in many ways. I have become a better wife.
Tomorrow is full of possibilities.